The Emergency Call

Ive been toying around with starting a new business emergency
call placement,
I know what youre thinking 911 already exists. Well,
Im not talking about that kind of emergency. Im talking
about the Get-me-the-hell-out-of-here-I-cant-take-any-more-of-this-but-I-cant-just-leave-here-oh-wait-is-that-my-cell-ringing?
kind of emergency. You furrow your brows, protest to the
voice(that may or may not be) on the other end, and then sadly
announce that you must go.
Its clean, simple, story-worthy even. You just got out
of any awful situation. Maybe its a blind date, bad wedding
reception, terrible business lunch.
Or maybe its the cottage weekend from Hell
A friend of mine was recently looking at a blind date with
a friend of a friend.whatever. I suggested the drive-by
to get a look at where the guy lives. If his place is disgusting,
maybe he is too. I offered the emergency phone call to the
cell option being you can play it whatever way you want.
Either you gotta go, or, if things are good, its a wrong
number on your cell!
My friend never needed my call-she decided not to go on
the date, but I still offered my services at a later date.
Wouldnt you know I needed said service recently myself.
An old school chum of mine was opening up her summer cottage
for rental season, but promised to be done by the time I arrived.
I had been there last year, and enjoyed a full week of 35 degree
sunny days and cool nights for sleeping, It rained one day
the day I left. I actually read a book and watched the sunset
every night.then again, it was August.
This time, it was May, and it was freezing. I had on my autumn
leather jacket and I think it would have taken the winter
coat for me to feel warm. Forget about the evenings being
cool for sleeping, the days were cold and the nights were
freezing. It rained three days out of four, the nicest day
was the day I left.
When the weathers no good, and television is non-existent,
you drive around in the rain. Her put-on Toronto accent
started to stab into my brain like an icepick. Shes from
the Maritimes originally how can you ever lose that convincingly?
Want to rent a movie sounded more like Wahnna rent a meww-vee?
Gee, Im sorry, I didnt realize you lived in Upper Canada
long enough to forget your New Brunswick roots and talk
like some La-La-Land wannabe. By the way, Vancouvers
a little more West than you.
Bad enough I had to endure that, but theres the whole lets
be a tourist thing that drives me insane.
The landscape is rugged, the little towns are cute.
Lets go to a church supper! Lets go to a ceilidh! Lets
have some lobster!
Lets all puke together.
Thats what happens when you actually have to talk to someone
those hot August days are fleeting memories. Youre stuck
in the car as the rain beats down on the windshield not warm
enough for the A/C, not cold enough for the heat. Youre
sweating funny five minutes into a thirty minute drive.
Dont get me started on the rug hooking place, the antique
shops, the visitor information booths. I am not ready to
be a tourist, its only May for cripes sakes!
All I wanted was to relax, hang out for a few days, my Victoria
Day weekend a week later. It didnt happen. Instead I was
driving around in search of those August days, lamenting
the fact that the cell coverage was nill. Why didnt I set
up the emergency call, tell them to call the cottage phone
just in case? Alas it didnt happen.
And so on the final night, she asks her most annoying question
of the whole weekend.
Tell me a story, she said, you must know one of those
Maritime ghost stories or something.
Thats right, every one of us play the fiddle, dance a jig,
and live in cute little houses in cute little towns kinda
like the one you used to live in till you went away and melded
into the sidewalk.
Cmon, tell me a story, she said.
Ill tell you a story, I began, as I went off to bed. Next
time Ill have an emergency call every six hours with all
available numbers on file. Wait, better make it three hours.
Im leaving tomorrow at ten oclock in the morning,
I began, that enough of a story for you?

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